There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
