Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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