I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
