Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Randomize