dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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