Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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