I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
i now understand why vodka
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize