I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
