Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
