got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
