just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
