I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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