she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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