Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
