He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
