We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
