I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
