"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
