I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
