Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
