Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
