I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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