what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize