I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
