he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Ketchup is God's man juice
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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