The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
