I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize