this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
