dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
