its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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