I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I need moral support for this bender
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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