so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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