just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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