I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
