I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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