Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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