my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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