he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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