I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
