Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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