Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
