if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
