Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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