Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
