Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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