Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
