Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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