I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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