8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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