Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
