just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
