Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Come on in and take your pants off
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