If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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