at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
