Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
