she pinky promised me she was 18
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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