Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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