So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
